Seeing is believing
Terry and I just came back from a trip to Cuba. We had a great time but we noticed something very unusual customer relationship-wise at the resort. No one in a supervisory or management role ever made eye contact with the guests. When you would encounter them around the resort, they had a special way of being able to sweep their eyes past you as if you didn’t exist. No head nods, no smiles or hellos.
Communist style of management
It was as though part of their management training didn’t allow them to make eye contact with customers. Maybe this was communist style of management. I was thinking, thank goodness we don’t do that in Canada. Wrong.
Bad bedside manners
When I got back to Edmonton, I had caught the flu. What a bummer! (I blame it on the recirculated air on the flights even though, I had my flu shot.) I couldn’t get in to see my regular doctor so I visited a drop-in clinic. The doctor there examined me and wrote a prescription without once making eye contact. Maybe my flu was making me invisible?
Are you talking to me?
I then went to an adjacent pharmacy. When I handed in my prescription, the pharmacist, without looking up, barked out “Date of birth?” I looked around because I wasn’t sure he was talking to me. I said “Pardon me.” Still without looking up, he again grunted “Date of birth?”
Deja vu all over again
For a moment I thought I was back in Cuba and he must have taken the communist customer service course. Where are these people getting their degrees or training from? A Cracker Jack box? Has no one told them that the number 1 customer service advice and relationship-building skill is making eye contact?
Blame it on technology?
Now I seem to be noticing more and more people not making eye contact when they talk to you. I even see people out on dates ignoring each other. Are IPads and smart phones to blame? Many parents tell me this is now sop (standard operating procedure) for their kids. (Maybe they should enroll them in our Social Skills for Successful Kids seminar.)
So for my ex-pharmacist and any other grads of the communist school of customer service, here is my advice and 10 reasons why eye contact is crucial in business and life. (Yes, even between parents and kids or when dating.)
10 Reasons to make good eye contact:
- It acknowledges others and fosters mutual respect
- It shows self-confidence
- It makes you more appealing (to dates, colleagues, customers, everyone)
- It builds connection and engagement
- It’s harder to be rude to someone when you have made eye contact
- It signals that you care and you’re listening
- Your presentations will be more vibrant
- It builds trust & demonstrates sincerity
- It helps you read your audiences and other people’s reactions
- Without it, no matter how caring the words are, they don’t mean a thing.
Bonus tip – It’s just good ettiquette and good manners.
So make good eye contact
unless you DON’T want to be seen as:
warm, engaged, confident, classy, emotionally intelligent, interesting, interested, vibrant, confident and classy.
So what do you think? Hey, look at me when I’m talking to you!
One last comment Joanne and Terry regarding ‘eye contact’. I recall way back when I was trying to find…’The Perfect Job’. I was working at The Bank of Montreal…I am showing my age when I say this because now they are known as BMO. Anyways I was told in my training that it was very important that whenever I was working at my desk, it was very important that I gazed up every so often so to acknowledge a waiting customer.
WOW!
Joanne and Terry what an interesting topic!
This leads me to another experience I had very early in my working career.
I had attended a job fair at one of our local casinos. I entered into an interesting discussion with a woman sitting down at one of the kiosks. This woman was very helpful offering me a wealth of information on how to apply for many of the available positions…however there was something lacking in the way she conducted herself, that was her lack of eye contact. It seemed me that she was looking at everything, everywhere, and everyone except me. Being very young and not very worldly, I brought this lack of eye contact to the official greeter. The greeter quietly whispered to me…
‘She is visibly impaired’.
Boy did I put my foot in my mouth. Now years later and much more cognizant, I am now able to recognize the eye movements and the eye appearance of someone with a visual impairment.
This topic has certainly resonated with many of you. Teresa, thanks for sharing situations where avoiding eye contact makes sense for safety reasons. And John, we need reminding about cutting people slack who may have a visual impairment. Then there are others who may just be having one of those days and are pre-occupied – we shouldn’t take their lack of eye contact personally.
Thank you all for your great comments! You’re absolutely correct about Asian cultures making ‘softer’ eye contact. The same applies to Aboriginal cultures. Having said that, many Asians residing in Canada and First Nations people have adapted to “western” business cultural standards – you know the saying “when in Rome”. Our knowledge and understanding of cultural differences makes us more accepting and respectful.
As for the Cuban people, those in the front line roles in particular made direct eye contact and had open, smiling expressions. For whatever reason the management staff didn’t smile or look at you and as a result came across as aloof and uncaring.
Hi Joanne & Terry, this topic is eye-catching! Having been raised by my people-loving mother and business-owner father to make eye contact, it’s second nature to me to do so and has been favorable to my life-long relationships as well as in business connections. One of my hubby’s pet peeves is the lack of eye contact between gym users when sharing equipment, referring to courtesy, and between pedestrians and vehicles for safety sake. There are times when I refrain from making eye contact as a woman in questionable surroundings where safety may be a concern while travelling through out of country areas, however, for the most part, making eye contact has brought me many excellent friends and positive experiences. Thankyou for posting!
I have heard the same thing about other cultures, however, that never applies when I am dealing with friends from those cultures. In a retail setting I would argue that a sales associate must quickly develop a friendly demeanour with clientele which doesn’t include looking past my ear and being curt. Colleagues of mine who are recent immigrant from Asian cultures have never had a problem expressing themselves in warm and engaging manner without making eye contact as often as others do.
Synchronicity!
InnovAID.ca wrote an article about the same thing but with a different angle. InnovAID works with children on the autism spectrum, some of whom have difficulty making eye contact. However, with the advent of smart phones people under 23 (that was a clerk’s estimated the cut off age) have not developed the skill of making eye contact. I wondered if we are creating technology-based autistic-like behaviours. Sometimes eye contact can be uncomfortable but like so many things, the more we practice, the less discomfort it creates.
According to the sales clerk mentioned above, it is going to get much worse as more and more tech-dependent people enter the job market.
Is there a like button for the above comment?
Yeah, I just want to echo what John B. said above. This is a article is well-written, timely, and relevant in our culture. But there are plenty of of other cultures (though I’m not sure about Cuba specifically) in which eye contact can be considered tactless, inappropriate, or even rude. While I think care always needs to be taken in the international business setting, I entirely agree with this article otherwise. 🙂
Hi Joanne and Terry:
Now for my devil’s advocate point of view. I remember years ago when I was majoring in psychology, our professor told us that early on in his career when he was in his practicum , he had to scold one of his student’s. He told his student,
‘LOOK AT ME WHEN I AM TALING TO YOU’!
His student absolutely refused to look at him. The teacher had to contact his parents’ regarding his students’ lack of eye contact. The parents explained to the teacher that it is a culture custom.
Apparently the Asian culture has a great deal of respect for authority so you would rarely make eye contact in a situation like this. In the Asian culture a lack of eye contact can be a sign of submission.
Hi Joanne and Terry:
My mom and I had a similar experience a little while ago. I had taken my mom out for coffee at a well known establishment in the ‘Donut Capital’ of the world. After the sales associate took my order he slid me the coffee, without making any eye contact. He did not even thank me. I thought to myself, how rude. My mom and I went to find a place to sit down. Every table had sugar and coffee spills. I looked around the coffee shop and noticed a good number of sales associates were all congregating behind the front counter doing absolutely nothing. I just wanted to have a quiet afternoon without making any waves, so we chose a spot and sat down. When it time for us to go, we gathered our containers to dispose of them, we noticed that all the garbage were heaping full. I think noticing this last incident was the straw that broke the camel’s back that made me call and complain.
I decided to call that particular establishment on Monday morning. I spoke to the manager and asked her if I could have the phone number for head office so I could voice my concerns regarding my experience. She wanted to see if she could resolve my issue herself firsthand. So she allowed me to voice my concerns. Needless to say, she was not at all impressed, as she previously had a meeting with her entire staff outlining all the above issues. She thanked me for informing me about my experience and she assured me that she would be talking to every staff member about my experience, especially the one regarding eye contact.
If there is ANYBODY who can understand how important EYE CONTACT is …it’s my wife and I.
Perhaps it is partly to blame on the tech society we have created. Perhaps it’s time to get back to basic courtesy.
When someone looks me in the eyes …I just feel better connected;like the person I am talking to really hears me. And cares.
Perhaps if we simply were to walk away, when eye contact is not reciprocated, people would get the message. Hmm…think EYE just might try this.
You nailed it Joanne…X-Pharmacist indeed.
Thanks!